OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
