it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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