I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
