I faked an abortion last night.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
