She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
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