I will die if light touches me.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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