Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Randomize
