Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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