Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
