Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
