the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
