He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Randomize
