Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
