Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I think i got beer on your cat.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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