if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
