the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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