That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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