i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
