I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
