Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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