why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
