The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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