Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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