Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
