saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
