I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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