Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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