if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
