I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
