How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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