God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Randomize
