My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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