she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
