The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
