I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
