Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
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You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
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i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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