So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
