Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
