The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.