Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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