got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
Randomize
