Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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