i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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