3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You made out with two different species that night
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
