It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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