what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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