woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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