I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
