I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
