it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
