i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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