dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
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Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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