mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
