happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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