i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
