I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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