I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
