is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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