I'm lost and stupid without you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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