How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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