I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Why can't burritos get me drunk
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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