There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Randomize
